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Joe’s Pigeons

November 9th, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

(Story made for a thread of a forum, where stories are posted made in one sitting)

Joe the Scientist ran through the alleyway, hotdog in hand, celebrating his recently published thesis with a night of cheap food and expensive candy drinks. He felt alive, powerful, and most of all, bloody fucking brilliant. Two Mars candy bars in his pocket, and a pound of miscellaneous meat in his hand, this was too be a good night. He was almost skipping through the alleyway, until he came to a strange figure in front of him.
“Hello little man” he said to the Pigeon. The pigeon turned around, moved its head up, and looked at him. Joe simply stared at this weird beast, the strangely symmetrical face, eyes so close together it seemed to be some cyclopic bird monster. He laughed as he made a ridiculous face at the pigeon, treating it like a child.
The pigeon made no sound, as it turned around to walk back toward a dark corner. Joe followed it, with a great smile on his face, bending over and mocking its quick little steps. He laughed joyfully once again as he took a bite of his hotdog, and followed it into the corner.
Joe’s eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, as he looked up to see what was front of him. Dozens of pigeons were lined up along the brick wall. They just stared at him, without movement, some perched on windows, some on garbage cans, some simply standing on the ground in front of him. They seemed to have been waiting. Joe, a curious man, began to look around and analyze this weird behavior, as suddenly a massive roar came beside him. “ArkkkkkK!” Yelled the Pigeon beside his head, as it flew and knocked him in the face. “Fuck!” Joe screamed in a massive grunt, as he through his hands up to attack this new enemy. He waved his hands in the air wildly, as the other pigeons flew up to his face. A giant blur of white feathers covered his vision, while the sound of wings flapping and screeching was all he could hear. Some pecked briefly; others simply slammed into him and flew away, while the rest seemed to cover his entire body with quick pecks and attacks.
Joe began to run as fast as he drunkenly good back to the street, constantly falling over and being hit by pigeons. He finally came to the bright street light, where he had a moment to rest. The pigeons were suddenly gone, the attack over.
Joe looked at his hands. The hotdog was gone, only a little piece of ketchup covered bun left. He looked at his pockets, and only saw a black piece of wrapper reading ‘Ma’, the chocolate bars were taken. “Fucking rats!!” He screamed into the air.
***
“What happened to you?” Joe’s wife asked, as he walked in the door that night. Joe explained the attack, but was unable to even say the word ‘pigeon’ without a preceding ‘god damn motherfucking…’.
***
‘You were hit in the face by a pigeon? You mean like Fabio?’ She asked, grinning. “Yes like fucking Fabio!” He yelled back. She simply laughed, as he ranted on. “What the hell is the purpose of these damn flying rats anyway? They give nothing to society, they just scour the city searching for food! They just take from humans, give nothing but fucking shit on our car windows!”
His rant continued for hours, as the drunken Joe continued to pace around his house throughout the night. “Fuck the ecosystem!” He thought, “I’ll destroy them all! I’ll create some virus to kill them, I’ll genetically engineer a bird eating monster, I’ll personally find all of them and stomp on their heads! I don’t care what sort of cycle of life bullshit they are a part of.”
As the night went on, Joe slowly became more rational with his rage, until he came to a solution.
***
‘What the hell is it?’ Joe’s wife asked, as she looked at the giant contraction in her backyard. It looked like a steel vending machine, with a large faucet on the front of it pointing to the ground. On the top of the vending machine were hundreds of nickels and dimes, some small bills, at least a hundred dollars in cash. Pigeons were all over it, some standing on the ground beside it, many just circling the air above it.
“It’s a flying rat feeder! Do you understand? This will make us rich!” Joe explained, very excited. “You see, I have placed some money on the top of the machine, and inside the machine is a few hundred pounds of pigeon food. For the pigeons to get the food, they simply pick up some of the money, drop it into the machine, and out comes food!”
“Why are you feeding pigeons?” She asked, still confused.
“Hah! You have to look at the big picture. It took a while for the first pigeon to learn how to get the food, but soon the other pigeons began to imitate him, now all the pigeons are using this as their main source of food! But think, what will happen when the money runs out?” Joe waited for an answer for a second, then continued. “The pigeons will no longer scour the city for food, but for cash! They will find cash on their own, maybe just small pennys and nickles dropped throughout the city. And they will bring it all to us! Hahah!” He ended with a mad scientist like joyful laugh.
***
Joe’s wife looked outside, to see her husband taking out bags and bags of cash out of the vending machine. Every few hours joe would come to the machine, which was constantly covered in pigeons, and would open it up to get a few hundred dollars worth of cash in the bags. His wife had noticed the bags kept getting bigger, as Joe would fill the machine with more and more bird feeder every day. “Jesus joe, isn’t this enough money?” she asked, looking at the new sack of cash. Joe just shrugged, “it beats working at the university!” he said. The wife grabbed the sack of money, and reached in. As she pulled out a handful of cash, she dropped all but one bill. A hundred dollar bill. Half of which, was covered in human blood. “Uhhhhh, Jesus” Joe responded.

Hundreds of people died in the days to come, as Pigeons flew throughout the city. They first just picked up pennys off the street, then maybe some loose change in the ‘give a penny’ jar,. They began to steal them right of people’s hands, then their pockets, then finally just tear a person apart to get at whatever they had. A penny in your pocket would mean a quick gibbing, as there was no protection from the savage beasts. They began to raid shops, homes, no one was safe from the attacks. As the people of the city became more protective, the Pigeons became organized. Soon banks became raided, with some pigeons taking out the alarm, as the others picked up the money from the safe.

Finally this was stopped, as laws were passed to shoot any pigeon convicted of theft. They became more organized, started to set up shops to sell merchandize they would make (mostly knitted sweaters), began to sell hotdogs on the street (at ridiculous prices), and finally, began to invest in the stock market. It was only a few years till a pigeon was the largest share holder of Microsoft, and Joe became the wealthiest man alive.

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